Switching to Blogspot...not sure why...just am

 life continues to move on with every day passing in a blur. This week and the next few weeks are going to be busy...working and travelling a lot. which is fine and dandy if it was really something that i was really looking forward to.
Work has become really superficial and people are starting to take things personal. Kristi is now wanting to write people up for stupid things, to get people fired or demoted. I will make it through this week (even with a temp boss) and i won't get fired or quit. I can't afford to quit until i have a secure job in place. 
My sisters birthday is on tuseday....its hard to believe that she is going to be 14...i can remember when she turned 4. its hard to believe that time has passed so much and sooo fast. we'll prolly celebrate her birthday...and i have to work day shift suprisingly, but on wed. we get to go to an amusement park for her birthday...it should be fun. we come back and i go back to work for a few days and then have tuseday off. where i join my mom and sisters out in gatlinburg for a fun day again at the amusement park and a day away from town. then i get to come back and have the house to myself for a few days...hopefully hang out with daniel. it shall be interesting. 
i haven't talked to alex in days...its kinda weird but i guess in a way it was a good thing...it distanced us before he actually left to help mostly me transition into him being gone and us not talking as much for another month and a half. i don't know what it is about him but i can go from hating him or being annoyed with him to just going eyes backward over him. i try not to get that way but it never fails. hopefully things change just a little when he starts school...and that we'll be able to hang out more on a regular basis gosh he is only 45mins away what is such the problem.
we might be moving :) if our house in michigan either gets sold to a homeowner or back to the bank we'll be able to move out of this cardboard box. into something much bigger...which will be nice and i might be able to have my own little area....FINALLY! a place to escape the choas and a place to study, be alone, have people over privately so on and so forth. it'll be better all around if things work out that way....if not i'll just have to make due with whatever i can get...a room of my own would be nice though :) can't help but dream right?

 Hung out with alex yesterday. he text me a few days ago to tell me that he would be in town until the 3rd of july...so we hung out yesterday for an hour and a half. and i feel like i'm back at step one again. I don't know what it is about him but everything is comfortable there isn't any fear of being out of control. but at the same time i tried to keep everything of mine in check. i didn't say much in fear of my own thoughts but in the end it pissed me of to have to leave and go to work. but then again going into work pissed me off in general. So back at step one again, but with a totally different mind set. I know nothing will happen between us until school starts and thats ok...because honestly i still need some time to get my head on straight. i keep playing over and over in my head what alex said to me months ago...someone good enough will come along some day.
but what sucks is now i my family is on board and likes him...my sister keeps telling me i should marry him and so on and so forth. i'm like...wow this isn't helping my situation any. i know my feelings for him already i don't need anyone elses help telling me how i need to nevigate my way to a possible relationship. which although them liking him really isn't a bad thing just makes it a little more complicated because in the end i don't want it to end up us just being friends. yeah if it comes to that i'll take what i have to because i feel like i'm a person in his eyes not just a woman with breasts. 
otherwise nothing going on here...still waiting for the month to end...only a few more days...and that kind of scares me! because i know if AF doesn't show its ugly face...i have to face another test and i don't look forward to that. anything can happen from here on out...although i have my hopes and fears that sway from day to day...non the less i can't change the past...i can't predict the future...so all i can do is hope that what is going to happen is meant for the best and not just because i'm deserve hell for all that i've done. 
oh yeah BTW michael jackson died...BIG WHOOP! I know one song by the man...otherwise he was just another person in this big big world....but really his death has interrupted my shows...and its pissing me off.

 I feel like everything inside of me is Melting! I thought when I found out that Kenny was dating someone new i thought i would be able to hold my head high to handle such change...but lately things just haven't fallen in place like that. I know in the back of my mind that if things don't work out...that once again he might see that there is possibility between us...but there isn't any chance of that happening until my schooling is finished. I just don't want either of us to be hurt from the distance. Its not like i'm mad at him...because i'm not i'm happy he is able to move forward and just because things haven't happened like that for me doesn't mean i should hate him. 
and whats funny is i'm not even mad that he thinks what happened while i was down there wasnt supposed to happen the way it did, the way it happened was a mistake. in which this i whole heartly agree because it shows that it was a mistake of how i was treated....not the actions that were involved were a mistake...at least thats how i'm taking it. because before he started dating kayla...he told me he wanted me to come out and visit again so he could make up for the way he treated me...in which i told him life had me held up at the moment and i couldn't which in turn led him to someone else...which in turn i couldn't come out and see him and by the time i was going to tell him this....he was with someone else. so i can understand everything in that situation but what i think hurts the most is i've been told were just friends by one to many people in the past month that i don't feel like there is hope for me right now...

Well got in a beef with eric today at work...boy kept smacking my ass. so when i got off work i updated my Fbook status and was like "doesn't know what to do...either take the 8hr week and leave the harassment or stick it out in hopes something changes...." now 10 minutes after this is posted eric calls me and asks about it. and i tell him straight up that it has to do with him and hunter. and it wasn't eric that pissed me off...i can get over him smacking my ass in a 3 hour period that i don't have to work with him (he was outside) but hunter calling me a retard pushed me over the edge. one day i swear that boy is going to get a shit load of crap from me and he isn't going to know what to do with himself. so i left worked pissed off. while talking to eric he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again...which i was happy for he took the blame and apologized for his mistake...mature on his part. although he then made a joke of it and was like i could see in your eyes you enjoyed it. in my eyes I KNOW i had annoyance and just wanted to punch him. i wish things between him and i could go back the way they were...and i told him i was like i don't enjoy you smacking my ass when were "just friends". so he has hope! 
Eric and i also talked about the out of hand rumor going around work...the walk-in references, the go count cheese references, and for him the oh you just trying to impress amanda shit. its ending at the next employee meeting i cannot stand to be told that i should meet someone in the walk in...people have blown that WAY out of proportion. it isn't funny anymore and two people are caught in the middle - eric and i. its got to end...soon

 Nothin much has been changing around here... things still sorta suck! Just been sleeping and working most of the time. I'm tired all the friggin time it isn't even funny anymore. I came home 2 hours early yesterday and took a nap....I think it's because I'm not sleeping well at night....not sure yet.
Hunter is back in town so now....work sucks! that and he just competely pisses me off!!! Yesterday I was getting cheese! 2 boxes of cheese that i was rolling out on a sauce roller...makes it easier when the boxes are like 15-20 pounds EACH. and what does the retard say?...lazy ass. Well this just pisses me off, because its like he expects me to pick both of them up....he has got to be joking. i've done it before....it kills the back. yeah i know lift with legs not with the back....i know! 
Then today....henrys being a real douche bag...calls for excess of things....doesn't make much sense but none the less puts everyone one else on a rut or sometihng. and I'm stuck in the middle...4 different times in a five minute period i was told to...do something, not a special something either just "something"...and thats not what pissed me off...what pissed me off was the fact that i WAS doing something they just needed someone to take their frustrations out on. And to top it off...tyler was like you need an attitude adjustment...i was like WTF? I wasn't snapping at anyone, I wasnt getting irritated with anyone...I wasn't talking period. Didn't find the need to. But once they all started to say "do something" over and over thats when it pissed me off and i was like "I AM". So i just got shit done and left when i got off....i didn't want to be around these people anymore then i had to...and i didn't want to go home but really didn't have anywhere else to go....so i went home :( 
Tomorrow we have a meeting at 9:30am....ugh! Henry won't put up the schedule until then....so hopefully i don't get screwed over on tue....when i have orientation. 
Talked to alex the other day....asked him if he was ever going to stay in one place? and he was like not until school starts. which i competely and utterly understand. because not only was he stationed in the army for so long, and overseas on different tours....but he has a lot of catching up to do with a bunch of different people. so he is going to see him....until then, i won't see him until august...it sucks but at the same time once school starts i'll be able to see him more. so it all evens out, and i really don't want to see anyone right now anyway...not sure exactly why. I'm just so sick of getting hurt for stupid reasons. which leads me to another point, ERIC!!!! EWWWWW he keeps hitting on me, saying honey and making sexual references... this boy is 19 and has never had sex....his sexual references are from what he sees in pornos...and to top it off he told reagan that he and i are just friends.... so it just pisses me off even more. 
I just want school to start SOON! And for us to move out of this house....its so cramped. 
anyway thats life as of now...sucking butt. And i don't see things changing any time soon.... 

 While working last night....I got to talk to Eliz....about certain things that generally i would've just left alone for a few more weeks. 
But I also got a text message from Kenny. This shocked me and at first it sorta pissed me off because it just went to show that hope between us is GONE....at least for now. But then I got to think about it while i was talking to him....I shouldn't be mad at him. Were 200+ miles apart from each other being mad at him is just silly. Thats like him getting up set for me like alex or anyone else for that matter. All that matters between him and I is that we are able to stay friends, close friends. Not so much ones that are dating but where i can talk to him and get advice. The same type of relationship that i have with tyler...go figure. 
Well Kenny called me last night while i was working, i talked to him for a little bit....freaked him out, got advice and had a short convo...it was nice to talk to him. put more into perspective that i can't and don't want to be mad at him.

After work, Eliz and I went down to a georcery store...I ended up buying a pregnancy test... yeah at the age of 18 i never thought i would be buying such expensive tests. got that and went back to eliz's house took the test. and while waiting for the results we talked and such. then after 3 minutes, eliz goes and looks at the results...i just couldn't make myself look i guess. so she goes in there, and asks does a plus mean positive? and this is where i started to FREAK out! then she says....your not pregnant. i was whoa....she scared the shit out of me. so aunt flo should arrive here within the next week and a half. if not...we have a problem but that isn't something i'm going to worry about...there isn't any sense in it.
Eliz and i then preceeded to hang out and just chill play with her cat and talk. for 2 hours!!! where then i started to get really tired from not getting enough sleep the night before that i decided to go home! Came home checked fbook and such networking sites. and then got major heartburn and acid reflux....it was GROSS! Reagan also calls me and we talk for a half hour about boys and her stay in GA. We talk and i get off because by then i have this urge to just puke my guts out....of course i don't i go and take some tums and fall asleep. it was a decent night to say the least. 
i woke up today with a whole new refreshed feeling which was nice. but with this rain we're getting i think i'm going to go back to sleep for a few hours. i don't work tonight and have nothing better to go do...either that or play some sims but sleeping does actually sound a lot better right now.

 so well...this month SUCKS!!!!
It's cool though, because really things can't get much worse! 
Having some minor....cramps. Honestly it is a little tooo soon for aunt flo! SO we'll see where things take us in the next few weeks....more then likely everything is fine...but if not. Well lets just say, it wouldn't suprise me if things didn't go as planned, like i said things can't get much worse! 
Ummm had a CT scan today that didn't take long, so hopefully they'll be able to find out why i have hearing loss. 
Have Hannah worrying about me now...not sure why though. 
Alex should be back in town sometime this week....if not....oh welll 
I'm so ready to just give up....if things don't go as planned...at least it'll make life just a little more interesting. 
off to work until close! WHOOP!

 UGH...
Well friday night found out that nothing will become of tyler and I .... figured this much! But it's all good, I think i'm coming to terms with the idea that nothing will ever happen there. And to top it off....that night, I had the WEIRDEST dream.... I had a dream that i had a baby...now maybe that isn't sooo weird. but it just kinda pushed everything off guard. And then last night I had a dream that i was pregnant....i think the dreams 1 were a little backwards, and 2 its whatever. 
Talked to alex for a little bit a few days ago... he is now back in south carolina...i don't understand why he is paying to rent a room in bristol but staying down in SC.... it doesn't make much sense. But whatever its his money, and i think he is really enjoying his new found army freedom. 
ummm waiting to see if my boss will change my days so i can have saturday and sunday off like i asked. he told me that he couldn't read the calander when clearly you can tell i asked for that day off. he even marked it showing that someone asked off, but then schedules me to work both of those days....i'll be out of town for fathers day how in the world am i supposed to be here to work? Whatever! 
Well imma try to hang out with daniel tonight, figure i might as well go buck wild and just do whatever whenever i can...being its obvious all i ever get is "just friends" from the people i do like. 
ahh whatever i need to get out of this town...somewhere new some place away from reality....and soon

 Ok well after I hung out with tyler last night, i came home to my tired eyes, and a mind that didn't want to shut up for at least an hour...ALL I could think about was tyler. And how it scared me to get my hopes up...to even think about him because it might just all be a joke. Well I woke up at noon today, because reagan called me wanting to hang out later that day...she let me go and i went back to sleep. Got up again at 2 because reagan called me again, this time i was more ready to wake up then before. So we talked and i told her a little bit about what happened with tyler the night before. So we got off the phone, I took a shower and ate....about 2:30 I get a text message from Tyler. HE text me....which made me estatic. But he then asked me if i said anything to anyone about the night before, and being i had just got up...i didn't really have time to tell anyone, or really WANT to tell anyone because there wasn't anything that i KNEW was there. So why get my hopes up by telling people. Well he then explained that he needed to figure things out. OK Tyler has told me this once before, and that was dropped because i didn't feel like dealing with him or waiting around...but my feelings never changed. 
But what worries me is....Alex said the same thing...just in different words. Alex said that he was having a hard time coming to terms of a new relationship. Tyler just says he has to think about things...But none the less it worries me. Because I just don't want to get hurt again, at least not this soon. 
Well Then at like 5 I hung out with reagan, we went by her work, to see if she had to work the next week because she leaves for GA tomorrow. Well we then went to dinner at a yummy mexican restruant... then went back to her house, she gave me some shirts and we just hung out, took pictures and were teenage girls. I left reality for a little while...thankfully! Didn't feel the need to worry or think about things with Tyler or Alex....it felt good! 
Then when i was getting ready to leave and who texts her...ERIC!!! I'm really starting to dislike him, not give a damn about him. I used to care about him, care what he had to say...now...FUCK HIM! Come to find out i'm not the only person who thinks ERic is a total dickwad....Tyler does too :) not to just me or reagan but to other girls in general. Now...because he is basically wanting to talk to rea, or hook up with rea, he has NOT texted or called me...which is fine i really don't want to talk to him anyways, i don't have anything to say to him. well yeah...it'd be nice to say FUCK YOU!
I have to work tomorrow...we'll see how that goes. I think I work with tyler, oh how i hope i do...i just want to be in his presence even if we are working. 
Oh and Alex will be back in town....in the morning. It scares me to even have the possibility of seeing him. Part of me wants to see him to catch up to see if there is ANY type of connection like there was before, which will give me an idea if i want to just give up or not...but at the same time it scares me to see him and i'm not exactly sure why....oh well...

 Ok well....
Saturday....didn't do much just chilled at home, well acutally i slept until 5pm i think! Got up and preceded to get bitched at by my moms friend...because i wasn't working that night. her excuse what that people my age are working why aren't i? Well whatever, I just blew it off. 
Sunday, I worked, well i was scheduled 4-8 i think....but jason was supposed to come in at 7. well he did come in, but ham and i were betting on if he would come in because when he was supposed to come in got pushed back an hour. sooo....i ended up taking his shift and closing that night...he gave me the shift!!!!! That i was happy about! Ham and i got SLAMMED! We kicked out butts until at least 10pm where we finally got to break everything out and clean....I was done by 11:30 which for me is LATe when it comes to closing. Because on Sunday, I was supposed to work 4-7 but Kristi wasn't feeling good so she gave me her hours....and I ended up working another day 4 to close! And this time i got everything done before we even closed. So i was out of there at the latestes 5 minutes before 11pm. Which was nice, to actually say hey I can do all of this and still get out of here before the manager even attempts paperwork. So that was nice.
I worked 4-7 i think, i dont remember very much of what happened that day besides people were pissing me off with shit that never happened and they were blowing everything out of proportion! 
I had Tuseday off....and ended up going to Reagans, we were going to go to the lake but that didn't happen because i got there to late...but thats ok. we stayed up late, and then she invited me to spend the night, at first i wasn't going to because i had a doctors appt in the morning, but i did anyway...silly mistake! 
We stayed up LATE, she talked to Eric....WOW he is a DICK! long story short, he would rather break up someone then actually be their friend....ya and then said that i put reagan up to being cupid. because she was trying to hook eric and i back up....that didnt work, or he refused to let it work, and just contiunely hit on her!!!! Then preceded to yell at me afterwards for supposidly putting her up to it...which in fact i didn't that was all her decision! So i had to act like i didn't know a thing, because really i don't need it to be any more awkward at work then it already is with some people. After that we played monopoly until 4am where i beat her by 900+ monopoly dollars...it was a good game lol. Then we watched youtube videos for like an hour. then finally decided to go to sleep at 5 am....and guess what time i had to be up in the morning!!!! 9AM!!!! But not only that, from 8am on i was woken up every 15 minutes from either a text message or reagans mom coming into the bedroom.....gosh. Then i had to meet my mom at her work to go to the doctors appointment. which then lasted 5 hours. i didn't get out of there until 2, had to run home, get my sister and then drive another half hour to take her to her dentist appointment. so i didn't even get a NAP! after her appointment we went and saw my dad...big mistake... he pissed me off saying i didn't pay him for my phone that i only ever paid him 40.00 last year which is false and he doesn't believe me but i have witnesses to prove that i actually did pay him! its whatever anymore...he said he would take balance off for my birthday present....i dont think he did! then we had to drive home, i had to be to work at 4. so i drove my sister home and then went to work....where i felt like i was going to pass out not only was i extrememly tired but i was sooo hungry. when i was talking to elizabeth, i told her that i had a doc appointment that lasted 5 hours, and the first thing she says is...are you pregnant? i was like NO!!!!! then they threw flour at me....so now i have flour in places i didn't know flour could reach....i even got off early :)
Then had to run my sisters to the mall, then run back to work, get dena (a coworker) take her home, then run and get my sisters....in the mean time saw one car accident well rear ender and before that i was almost in one.... theres a road near the mall, that its a 2 way stop, and there is a sign with flags that says "on coming traffic doesnt stop" and what does the bastard do...runs the stop sign, almost hits my bumper, and almost hits someone else because when i look back they're sitting in the middle of 3 lanes!! I was like WOW! after getting my sisters we had to go to get lettece for my mom, so we did that and came home....
now at 10pm i get a text message from tyler, complaining about work! Like everyone else, but then he asks me if i will come by work so that when he gets off we can hang out, cuz he doesnt want to go home....hummm that kinda left me speechless, and wondering...whats the real motive. tyler hasn't ever really wanted to hang out with me...so its kinda....ODD....but not in a bad way....i've always liked tyler and we get along just fine, especially within the past 6+ months we fight a LOT less!!!! which is good....who knows what that means, i don't care anymore.
i'm so sick of guys and them not knowing what the crap they want....so fuck em




::UPDATE::
Hung out and talked with tyler....for an hour and a half just sitting outside of work....talking! Well....about 1am he started to rub his hand on my arm, then he finally held my hand.... We talked more, stared off into space....then when we finally decided to part our ways at 15 til 2 he kisses me :)) I didn't think I could be happier, honestly I had the biggest crush on and off over tyler since i started working with the poor boy lol. BUT it felt great to just talk to him outside of work. I don't know if i see this goin anywhere....nothing every really falls in my favor in that situation, but who knows what will happen....oh well

well its almost 2 am and i am POOPED!!!! I'm sleeping in tomorrow....long time tomorrow! I think i have given up on Alex, but not totally....we'll see where things go....i'm open to anything new! I want a serious relationship....but I dont know if someone is ready for me....we'll see how things go! 

 Well my last 8 hours have been HELL!!!!! 
I fall asleep...to just hardly be out...ya know that realm of sleep where you still know whats going on, but still in dream land? Well thats where i was...it was HORRIBLE! Mostly because all i did...the whole night, was think about ALEX!!! The damn boy is driving to the brink of a breaking point! I had a crazy fucked up dream with him in it, that i won't go into detail about...because its really dramatic and boring. but none the less thats all i thought about since i went to bed last night, even when i got up this morning, because i couldn't sleep because all i did was think about how much i possibly screwed things over in that department, and how much i just wanted to chew him a new one, but was to scared and felt really stupid for even wanting to so of course i didn't haven't talked to him...which i guess is now normal. but whatever! 
Different senariors keep running through my mind, either he will listen to me, or competely freak out and just competely stop talking to me for like ever (which is the one i'm going with). I keep running through my mind, that ya know he is the one that said oh i'm lonely, and i'm the one sitting here wondering if anything will happen. then on the other end, i had told him when we first started talking that i felt like i was getting attached and that was scaring me. and he tells me that he was too, and that that isn't normal for him, and that he wouldn't intentionally hurt me in any way...blah blah blah! But what happens, he tells me all of this and basically just snaps the line...like his thought was "i'm going to get hurt, like i did before, so why even try" so i'm kinda stuck in mid stride wondering what the fuck happened! So i feel like i've done this complete face plant into wet cement...and AHHHHH!!!!!! 
And I don't even know what to say to him, because of reagan talking to him last night, i'm so frickin afraid that he is going to bring that up, and i've ran senarios in my head about how that could go...either he could be an ass and take it like a prick and just shove me aside and be like...whatever, and not talk to me for awhile or forever. or he could just blow it off and we could still end up just not talking for awhile...either way...it always ends the same...us not talking!
I'm so ready to just ask him, ya know if you didn't want to talk to my i wouldn've much rather you said that then dragging me on and on wondering, at least then i could've got over the whole situation so much more easier. and thats the same feeling with something between us happening...i mean really, if you didn't think or didn't want something to happen saying so would've been sooo much more easier then dragging it on for awhile...right? 

Well I work tonight, which is going to be HELL! So i might as well get off here and do something a little more productive...then think about alex....like i said he is leading me to a breaking point, and for some fucking reason i let him....or let his actions lead me here....I DONT KNOW!!!!

 Eh...
Well...my life SUCKS! 
I just realized have insominia...which sucks, because i never feel like i have enough sleep. I slept until 4pm today, and i'm tired NOW! well actually i was tired at about midnight...ugh
After spending a little bit at home, I got to hang out with Reagan, we went to the mall I was determined to get Alex a birthday present, that however didn't turn out. I just gave up and we left, well acutally I got a call from my mechanic that my car was fixed. So we went a picked that up. It cost me 165.00 to get a service change, my oil was change and so was the filter, the trasmission filter was changed along with the oil, a new pipe was put on there...for something not sure what. and some plugs were changed....that was DIRT cheap and now my car runs brand new...well as new as a 97 car can run. My dad kept saying...oh its the transmission you keep driving that car your not going to have a car...oh how nice it was to say...YOU WERE WRONG! 
Afterwards, came home and didn't do much, ended up going and hanging out with Daniel...uh...yeah
While talking to reagan, she kept saying alex was a jerk for never texting me back...so i was like you tell him that. so she did i guess, well actually she asked him about me. and from what he says, were just friends...ok this puts a big damper on everything with him. I dont know if it just has to do with him being asleep when she texted him...but still...just friends! To me that gives me the meaning that....thats all were going to be. nothing more, and nothing less....but really who texts a person...but never texts back?! He's getting the messages i know that much, but never replies, and i'm sick of it...so i guess my whole thing now...is don't try to talk to him let him text me, want to talk to me...its whatever i give up! he leaves for jamacia until the 11th on the 6th so i'm not going to even attempt to talk to him during that time... cuz i mean REALLY if your in jamacia why would you want to be on your phone? I know I wouldn't want to be! I would always be out doing something, granted maybe at night before i go to sleep...but he'll wipe himself out so much that that just wan't be possible which is fine. if he wants to be friends thats all we will be until he says otherwise. EH boys
I get to see hannah banana on tuseday....i havent seen her since before school let out. and i misses her! so hopefuly were going to do something then...not sure what exactly but as always something fun! 

 Girl you got me going
Yea I think you know it
Oh I’m ready for this ride
So come on take my hand
Cuz only you, you understand
How to kick this feeling into

Drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It’s all I’ve ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We’ll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You’ll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It’s true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you

If life is what you make it
Here’s my chance ill take it
You know I wanna make you mine
I have this picture in my mind
You were in it all the time
So baby hold on tight

And drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It’s all I’ve ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We’ll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You’ll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It’s true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you

All I ever wanted
Was to see you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We’ll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You’ll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It’s true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you

 Work...pisses me off!  They call me monday 2 hours before I'm planned to go in, to say that they don't need me and to not come in...I'm like what the CRAP! First you give me only 2 days to work, then change it to 3, then take it away from me once again. leaving me with a total of like 10 hours this week...IF THAT! Three days between working kills me because I have nothing better to do with my life. So this week, its every other day, which i don't mind but really i'd enjoy working every day for 5 or more hours...but NO!  I swear my boss doesn't like me. and to be honest i'm not the only person that doesn't like him....good! 
And I got to thinking last night, before falling asleep...generally when i do the majority of all my reflecting on life. That I should probably request a transfer to one of the other stores in the city. Because honestly, as much as i love working with the boys that i work with...and the relationship i have with them is good...i can't stand the fact that certain people get away with shit and others...who have been there longer...can't! So being it isn't exactly just one manager in charge sending certain people home early without getting stuff done...it isn't just one person doing all of this, its more then one....i figured why not transfer to a place where it'd be a new start, new people and less of a harassment to try and compete with newer people to get stuff done. Because really it would be wrong to fire the manager, because then your loosing 2 or 3 people, and it wouldn't be good to fire the crew members that are leaving without getting stuff done...because its the managers fault for letting them leave, or not writing them up for not getting their stuff done...really what can the boss do...my realization is...i've made mistakes in the past, left without getting my stuff done...whats stopping him from firing me if the solution is to fire the people that are going home without getting their stuff done....granted i make sure i get all my stuff done before i leave...NOW! but still what would prevent him from doing that? He has already lowered my hours...probably in hopes to get me to leave...but NO! I'm not going to give into a person that makes it that i can't prove myself for messing up TWICE!!! This is killing me....it is on my mind constantly...what to do...I don't want to be there and burn the bridge because i don't quit...but at the same time...what else am i supposed to do? Besides find a new job...yes i could do that and in fact...i want to but right now things don't tend to be looking in my favor. 

Well got a bunch more stuff to complete to go with school loans, and acceptance, and orientation dates...gosh i hate transferring schools...I never want to have to do this again...I want to just stick in one place, finish my degree there and then if i have to go on to a graduate school for a higher degree...not sure right now how far i plan to continue my education. Also learned that living on campuse my first semester probably isn't the best choice, because i'd be pretty late sending in my deposit and form to live on campus in the fall...which sucks! So its either wait until the spring and try and get into the rooms, or wait until the year is over and then go from there...with reagan...or get a full time job, on top of school...and THEN get an appt...OR help my mom find another house with more rooms, so i can have one of my own allowing me the study time i need. my mom says that i should just live at home and then study at school...being a commuter SUCKS! parking is limited, or find a person who needs a roommate or SOMETHING to get me out of this house!!! ANYTHING! 

Only a few more weeks and then i MIGHT get to see alex...I MISS that boy A LOT! I honestly didn't think i would miss him as much as i do...but i really miss him. i miss his smile and his humor, and the way i feel like im in a fairytale when i'm with him. IDK i feel so silly liking him being i don't get to see him often but still there is just something about him. i was thinking once again last night, before falling asleep, that at one point alex had told me that he was destined to be alone, that the good guys always end last and all this stuff. (which honestly is the silly type of guys i fall for, the chilvary, the stuff that is lost in todays dating society and such things along those lines...the ones you see in fairy tales). and i was thinkging....well i'm here....i like you, and your telling me your going to end up lonely...then thats your own choosing! He is the one that is having a hard time coming to terms of the possibility of a new relationship...not me! AHHHH its so confusing to know where things are going. to have to sit back and watch, and honestly be terrified of saying the wrong thing and screwing things up...i've been known to do this in the past...with one person and i realized it was that one person that made me scared shitless to say what i'm feeling. granted alex will tell me straight up whats the truth and stuff...and there isn't no fumbled opinions...which i enjoy, but really i'm not one to not thing about what has to be said .... about what i'm feeling or ask what theyre feeling towards me without thinking about it the right way anymore....dang it.

I NEED A VACATION FROM REALITY

 Nothin as always goin on....well thats kind of a lie, just nothing espically exciting....i guess.

umm since thursday...whats happened...
spending the majority of my nights up until the wee hours in the morning...such as now...but much later, just playing sims...i've once AGAIN become greatly addicted to that game. but its all good it passes the time.
Friday, was my moms birthday...ended up sleeping the majority of the day. when i finally decided to get up, i had to shower, run to the store and get stuff to make her a birthday cake for the party that her friend was throwing....that my sister just happened to plan...go figure that one out! anyway, got that then spent the next 3, THREE hours making a cake and cupcakes...but man it was GOOD and worth it, got a lot of praise on that. umm after spending forever making the cake and decorating it and everything finally drove over to my moms friends house, we had dinner...after eating, my sisters and i played monoploy! I love this game to pieces, probably as much as i love sims...but still. and what happens? my sister, who is 13 (i think) spills her drink all over the games, and all the pieces. now the thought that was running through my mind was...i really thought once we entered high school that the thought of leaving things where you can knock them over would have been left in the past...but guess not! so that lead to having cake...oh well so much for the game...which by the way i was winning. 
Today, slept until 3, where i had to get up and go to work at 5. it was one boring day at work too...i ended up working only  hours THREE FUCKING HOURS......I need a new job. espically after finding out that our boss is thinking of starting to fire people...i really don't need the bridge burned... so hopefully i can get a new job before i end up at the front line of the choping block.
Talked to alex friday...for like the first time this week. it was nice to actually talk to him. nothing has changed there were still kind of in a stand still... but thats ok. i had mentioned that after he gets back from jamacia of once he has some time that we should hang out...and he was like MOST DEF. i was oh ok...you don't want to talk to me but you want to hang out...of course i didnt say it but i surely thought it. but what i did tell him was, that it shocked me that he actually wanted to hang out with me....he's like i've just been out of the loop lately which i understand, with surgery and everything i don't blame him for just wanting to relax and not talk to anyone...understandable...right? 
talked to him for a few minutes today, he was bein silly, as usual but he was hanging out with friends so i just let it be...well actually he just didn't text me back...GAH I HATE THAT! 
hummm....the weekend is almost over, tomorrow isn't going to be much better. i get 15 hours next week. i work mon, wed, fri, sun, and then monday again...its like WTF. I need to go over to the local movie theatre where a friend works and try once again to get an application, you think that since she works there she could help...nope. its all good though. 
summer so far SUCKS

 Blah....Shew nothing is ever going on here...
Slept until one, when eric texted me waking me up...goober. Went and got my check, that place so isn't worth my time. I guess right now all that matters is that i'm making my car insurance payments...but other then that...if something happens or breaks i'm SCREWED!!!! UMM went and got myself some chinese...ahhh that was DELICIOUS!!!! It couldn't have been better...except for how much i paid for the stupid stuff...but other wise down right great. 
Came home and was beyond bored, so I played sims 2 most of the day. whoohoo. The game is boring if you don't have a bunch of money to play with, because the sims have so much they have to do in so little time...it frustrates me!!! 
HUMM my sisters are PMSing so....this means a whole week of pure bitchiness....YAY!!!! :( If I could move out i would in a heart beat, even if it was just for the week because these girls piss me off more then anything in the whole world...well during this time anyway.
uhh, about 10pm everyone in the house basically was bitching abotu the dishes...like they're any better about when it gets done. I like to get the dishes done while everyone is in bed, allows time for me to think without blowing up on someone because the kitchen becomes a DISTASTER during the day....so I was screamed into there to clean up the dishes and put food away...sometimes i literally feel like a maid, but then again i sleep however late i please so really who cares....we'll see how this summer goes with that. ended up cleaning not only the dishes but the WHOLE kitchen....cleaned the cabinets, sweeped the floor, mopped the floor, so on and so forth...now to only keep it that way is the challenge. These people I have to call a family are disgusting...if things didn't get done for them it would never get done....(my mom of course isn't included in this) My sisters and brother are the biggest source of complete disgust...in my mind anyway. yes they'll do what they have to do...but half asked of course, just enough to say they did it...having lived on campus for a year....i might not have had to do a bunch of cleaning but by the time i left home i sure as hell knew when shit had to get done...and to do it correctly...these munckins i have to call my siblings i'm not so sure about. Could be because i have a job that has taught me to take inciative in what needs to be done and just GET THE SHIT DONE! Because relying on others just gets me into trouble...while my familiy just oh...whatever someone else will do it, it isn't my responsibility type of shit. it pisses me off, makes me feel i live with the same group of hypocritical people that i work with....GAH! 

Work tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. From my understanding, a few days ago my boss had to find someone to cover erics shift, because he was telling the shift leader that was closing that night that she would be sent home...for stupid shit. so being he was covering her shift, someone had to cover his....well....That stupid bastard i have to respect as a boss, called ham, brandi, garrett, and lastly carter when carter accepted to come in!!! Carter got paid to work plus another 10.00 from our bosses pocket.... I heard this and i was like WTF, I need hours, my avaliablity is OPEN, but i'm probably the last person he wants to call in to work, and i don't understand why....i get 15...FIFTEEN whole hours that in fact i might not even be guarnteed because of hour labor and the amount we make a day is horrible, its stupid shit like that, that pisses me off!!! The days i want to go home early i can't and the days i don't want to i have to....i hate that! 

People piss me off...end of story! Well right now anyway...gah

 Worked Friday...could've been worse.

Saturday...heh...mowed the lawn, did absoutely nothing...well to be honest I don't remember much of that day. Oh went and say ghost of girlfriends past with Rea. Otherwise didn't do diddly squat. But dealing with a headache on and off ever since.

Sunday, went to my mom's friends pool party...that was interesting, I was just happy to get out of the house for more then just a few hours. Got some sun, and just enjoyed being around my sisters and brother...for the first time in a long time. but not only were we there but my moms friends from work were there too. But otherwise that day was just another day in my book.

Today....eh...boring, slept most of the day. then when i finally did wake up found out my aunt and cousin were here...first thing that popped in my head was that my cousin was my mom's landlord so i was huh? then i finally realized that it was my cousin. then we didn't do anything all day, i stuffed my face most of the time...which i will probably regret later...oh well. finally got myself some chocolate ice cream which i will regret later too...oh well.... uhhh watched jon and kate plus 8. WOW I wanted to scream, it was beyond confusing and really annoying that the viewer didn't know what was going to happen not only with the show but with the parents. i mean really after watching them for 4 seasons who really wants them to split up? I honestly think its because of the media attacking their family, but not only that kates book tour as well...it isn't all that great to leave a guy at home all day to take care of 8 kids and a house...thats just not nice to the male ego. 

Oh I was complinaing to my mom today...like always, that i wanted chinese food for dinner, or just in general. and she was like "are you tryiing to tell me something" And i kinda got the hint that she was meaning something more then just craving chinese food. which i find kind of funny, because i'm not pregnant. but before she said that eric kept asking me if i could be pregnant...and i'm like NO!!! its getting annoying that he is asking me that. but my moms comment blew me out of the water, basically hints at that she knows what happens between kenny and i the weekend i went out there. really, craving chinese food doesn't mean i'm pregnant...

on the pregnant note....this is someting that is really starting to bug me! It's always like BAM! I have once again found someone I know who is pregnant....Almost every person I would've graduated with, or went to school with my freshman through junior year is either pregnant, or has a kid or two. I don't know why this gets to me so much...but it does! I don't think I'm jealous, because really I want to finish at least my sophomore or junior year before a pregnancy slips in...but really these people live out in the middle of BFE!!! They have nothing better to do but get knocked up and get married. Or it just could be my head...I don't know.  I mean I graduated with a lot of teen moms, my ex is a father to a one year old. I knew the people i went to school with, drank and did drugs on weekends, and had sex during the week...it didn't suprise me, my best friend for awhile there became basically a slut. But has yet to get pregnant...i hope! I don't know whats going on there...haven't talked to them in awhile but that isn't the point. I guess i can pass it off once again as something a woman will notice until they have a kid of their own....and then there is something to preoccupy the mind...or well maybe its just me....

Well I'm going to post this before i loose it again!!! 

 Well tonight went a little better at work....I closed so of course everything was done before closing. And I was out of there 15 minutes after we close...whoohoo! But once again someone leaves without getting everything on their closing list done...this time i just blew it off finished their shit and got everything else done. But i did get to talk to another shift leader who competely understood and told me to go to my general manager about it...so thats whats going to happen. 

Also got a text message from alex...the poor thing had surgery on his hand this morning. I easily miss him, but i am finding out that i have to hold that part back....hopefully i'll get to see him more once he gets back from jamacia.... i'm jealous to say the least. I kinda wish he would take me with him....but i doubt that will happen. Bleh.

This weekend should be interesting, being I cant go ANYWHERE in my own car. And I highly doubt my mom will ever let me use her car...so that kinda fucks up my 4day hiatus from the hell i call work. But other then that we have a pool party to go to on sunday...so hopefully that will lighten the mood just a bit...and get some much needed sun....oh how i miss thy sun lol. 

I really need to get my car fixed....oh how i miss my car...

hummmm i need a life. 
hung out with daniel last night...not sure if that was a mistake or not...still thinking about it... i'm really not interested in the boy but he is a fun person to hang out with....and it passes the time when i'm bored...is that wrong? 
Eric keeps asking me if my 'aunt flo' has arrived....he tells me he is going to get me a flower and candy....then turns around and says he has a suprise....not sure if they're the same thing...but with eric they probably are....he's just trying to get on my good side. which in all honesty isn't hard to do...I just get irritated with stupid people. like last night...don't get your shit done...your considered a stupid person lol. but yeah he wants to get me a flower for that....in my opinion wrong kind of moment but hey whatever floats your boat. 

Oh gosh its really cold in here! 
i'm really craving CHINEASE FOOD!!!!!! 

 Last night was another instance of the shitty hypocritical people I work with. 
Ok, I've gotten in trouble working at my job a total of three or four times...I don't exactly remember. But lately its been more then normal, go figure! But its all because I DON"T GET MY SHIT DONE BEFORE LEAVING FOR THE NIGHT!!!!!
Anyway, last night a girl who is new, finally had stuff to do before she had to leave. Well what happened again... SHE DOESNT GET HER SHIT DONE!!!!! Why? Because the manager in charge, first wanted me to teach her how to clean up her station, I get half way through it and what does he do...sends her to the front to manage customers. SOOOO she doesn't get her stuff done before she leaves! Leaving ME!!!!!!! to finish her shit, on top of my own. And she doesn't get written up for not getting her shit done like I would, or someone else who has been there awhile would.
Another instance, a week ago acutally, a girl whose been there just a little under the amount of time that i have, had the same thing to get done before leaving, pizza dress. and what happens? She doesn't get all her shit done before leaving and doesn't get written up, and I have to finish her shit....AND I was CLOSING that night....like I didn't have a whole bunch of other shit to get done before having to leave for the night.
I generally run that station flawlessly...not trying to be egotistical of anything...but I do! that station is completely clean before I leave my shift for the night....UNLESS there is another person who stays later working on the same station because we have way to many people there. I have everything i can get done, except for the closing things....like cleaning the projection rack, setting up the station AFTER close, otherwise....i sweep, mop, clean the walls, change out containers, check expiration dates, clean the dress doors, clean off the counter top, and make sure everything is done so that when it comes time to close...so the closers don't have shit load of things to do.....
If i don't get something that i have to get done before my shift is over...i get written up....BUT NO ONE ELSE DOES!!!!!! And its even posted on the bulliten board if you don't get your station cleaned you can't leave.......WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! I can't test the waters because I know if i do...i'll get in trouble and possibly get fired...
I work with a whole bunch of hypocrits....and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it....what talk to the store manager and seem like an ass because i'm ratting on other people when there are times that i don't get my shit done...but got written up for it....
We'll see how tonight goes, if one person leaves without getting their shit done....i'm going to write a complaint...I have to do something....it isn't fair for me to kick my ass to keep my job at a shitty job, and still get written up for stupid shit....(I once got written up because I DIDNT WIPE A FUCKING DOOR DOWN!!!!!!) But no one else in that store gets written up when they don't get the shit done for the night....WHY is what I want to know....
Wait...we have a meeting next month....HEHEHEHE I may be see as the bad guy...but fuck it. i'm so sick of getting in trouble when no one else does....for the same thing.